In our life, there is a period of time I like to call an emotional bottom. During that time, we experience our darkest moments. We are doubting everyone and everything, trying to decide if this life is really worth it.
I had also hit my emotional bottom and was rolling in it more than I’m willing to admit. Many people don’t know this, but when I was in high school, I went through a period of serious depression.
I was hiding it so well, that even members of my family didn’t know. Or, didn’t really think it was that grave.
I remember once crying in public, and realizing that no one saw me. Even when I showed my hurt on the outside, they didn’t notice, my dark side whispered. No point in talking to anyone and explaining. If they really cared, they would notice me crying. And, they obviously didn’t.
I felt completely invisible, and at that dark time, not a day went by when I didn’t think about taking my own life.
I clearly remember thinking: I wasn’t really meant to be born. First kittens are thrown into the water, after all.
This is a saying in my country (how funny that I was comparing myself with kittens I so adore:))). I was firstborn, and this saying made me think that I wasn’t meant to be born. I believed to have some defect my sisters didn’t.
I also thought: Nobody would notice if I were gone. My family will eventually recover. Two other daughters will keep my parents fulfilled, and my sisters will have each other.
People around me didn’t make me change my mind. So, what did?
In our darkest moments, I believe that we so clearly see our weakest point which I divide into two categories: inward and outward.
The inward weakest point means that at our darkest, we are more prone to turn against ourselves, and outward that we are more prone to turn against the world around us.
It is important to realize that both of these weak points come from the inside, and inside approach should be used to solve it. This is why I don’t blame anyone around me. Even though they could assist me, they couldn’t solve it instead of me. I needed to go in my dark place and confront it. It was the only way.
Although inward and outward weak points are pretty similar, they are not the same. Me, having outward weak point meant that even in my very darkest, I couldn’t turn against myself completely. Just like the first born kitten, I felt I was born being different from other kittens, but that didn’t mean that I was blaming myself. No, I was blaming the world, God or anyone who had put me in this hostile place. I felt alone and alienated, having only myself.
In the end, this is what got me out of my depression. No matter how hard I tried to decrease my value, I couldn’t turn against me all the way. I decided to give a world one more chance to prove me wrong, which has kept me above the water long enough to go to the University and for everything to change.
I also worked with people whose weakest point is inward. They are more likely to turn against themselves in every dark moment of their lives and live in guilt and blame.
They can be pulled out of their darkness by recognizing the beauty of this world, which is usually not lost on them. They can see others having what they want but suffer for not having it instead. If they stay opened enough to a possibility of receiving it too, they would also be able to leave their dark place.
Today, I look at my darkest times as crucial. It would not be the same without it, and I needed to go through it.
The truth is: when we hit our bottom we are given the opportunity to make peace with all parts of us. Without going to our dark place, we would not be able to shine as bright, not afraid of our darkness. Only by consciously deciding on living our life, we are given the opportunity to create it.
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